


A Study of Non-Translational Animal Models with regard to the Mating Rituals of Planet Earth

by WennyT



Series: Expanding Cocks and Tropey Premises [1]
Category: DBSK|Tohoshinki|TVXQ
Genre: Alternate Universe - Aliens, Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Fluff and Crack, M/M, Magic Cock, Other, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-27
Updated: 2013-07-27
Packaged: 2017-12-21 12:28:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/900317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WennyT/pseuds/WennyT
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An unlikely cross-species love story that begins when Yunho runs Changmin over with his spaceship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Study of Non-Translational Animal Models with regard to the Mating Rituals of Planet Earth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [whatkindoftea](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=whatkindoftea), [sohii](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sohii/gifts).



> This piece is meant to be taken with a bucketful of salt.

 

Once upon a time, there was a smiley alien boy named Yunho. He was born smiling, bright like the nearest sun, and he had an extendable cock like all the boy aliens from his race.   
  
When he was five, he learnt that they were not alone in the universe.   
  
“Those are humans, Yunho,” his father says to him gravely, as they observe creatures with similar physiques to them on the monitor at the space station his father is in charge of. “Humans, papa?”  
  
Yunho blinks and leans closer, fascinated. “Why are they called humans when we’re called aliens, papa, we all look the same!” he brushes a finger through the hologram to illustrate his point and laughs when the display wavers, distorted by the flick of his hand.  
  
“Because we’re different inside, Yunho,” his father smooths a hand over Yunho’s head, curves it about the back of his neck. “You’ll learn more about it when you grow up.”  
  
Yunho does grow up and learn more about it. In fact, his first lesson is when he’s deep inside a human male he’s sexually attracted to and his one-moon stand suddenly starts shrieking and clawing at the sides of the love capsule they are in.   
  
“What- are you all right-” Yunho is horrified, is he hurting the human? He makes to pull out, cock softening. “Here, wait, I’ll pull out- just let me-”  
  
“No no no no no don’t stop don’t-” the human blabbers, and Yunho’s confusion only grows when the other actually reaches around behind, to pull Yunho back against him. “Don’t stop don’t stop don’t stop good feels good  _yes_ -”  
  
He finally understands after the human wakes up post-coitus, glowing and streaked all over with sweat and semen. “We don’t have expanding dicks,” the human whose name he doesn’t quite remember, tells him. Yunho gawps at him, astonished beyond belief. “You... don’t?”  
  
“We don’t,” the other reaffirms. He grabs Yunho’s hand and pulls it down to his now flaccid penis, still sticky and warm from their previous activities. “See? It grows hard,” he uses Yunho’s hand to stroke up and down, and Yunho is more than a little taken aback by how odd that feels, “but it doesn’t change in girth and elongate quite like yours.”  
  
“That’s so.... sad.” Yunho doesn’t know quite how to express his horror and pity and that little display of insensitivity gets him kicked out of the love capsule twenty minutes later.   
  
He tries to stay away from humans afterwards, feeling more than a little guilty at how species-ist he’s being. That is, until he meets Changmin.   
  
Yunho is parking his new spaceship into a berth at the training academy he’s enrolled into one sunny -literally, the nearest sun is collapsing into itself and it is a bitch on the eyes to look at- day when he feels a sort of a bump and thump that signifies all is not quite right.   
  
He leaps out from his spaceship, worried that he had scraped the bumper (his father will kill him because the snazzy coat of paint and the flashy decals were a birthday present from him to Yunho) and walks around back and he realises that no, it is much worse.  
  
“What the fuck,” one of the many other cadets from their academy glares up at him, all indignant wide eyes and lips thinned by disapproval. Yunho tries not to notice that said cadet also has long legs that go on forever and is in possession of a face that should be on display on one of those gigantic space-blimps, posing with the latest ray gun or portable hyperspace driver. “Why the fuck are you even flying a spaceship when you don’t even know how to _park_?”  
  
Yunho doesn’t quite know what to say and fumbles about. He smiles brightly but it doesn’t seem to work this time; it only earns him more furious glares and verbal abuse until the other tries to stand up, and collapses back down with a groan.  
  
“Oh no, are you hurt?” Yunho wrings his hands, feeling distress creeping over his face to push away his always-habitual smile. The cadet on the ground snarls at him, all wide even teeth and narrowed eyes. “Excellent observation, Captain Obvious.”  
  
Yunho hems and haws for a while more before he decides to carry the injured cadet to the infirmary bay; after all, it is entirely his fault that the other –Alien? Human? He can never tell them apart— is injured, and his papa has always taught him to take care of his responsibilities and work to undo his mistakes.  
  
“Don’t worry, I’m going to repair you,” he announces cheerfully while balancing the other carefully over his shoulder in one of the most respectful ways he knows how to carry an alien. The injured cadet does not seem to appreciate it though, thumping at Yunho’s back and yelling unintelligible sentences that, while Yunho didn’t understand precisely, conveyed their meaning well enough.   
  
 _Must be a human then,_  he thinks as he hurries towards the infirmary bay. Only humans are so strange about things, just like how his first one-moon-stand was.  
  
He finds out that the cadet -the boy, he supposes, that is what they call human males, yes? - is human, when the Davijon nurse on duty practically vibrates with fury when she sees them. And by vibrate he means all the tentacles on her face and her arms and every visible part of her body do a weird shivery flap that makes his head hurt trying to follow the movement. “Shim Changmin! You tedious excuse of a human, what have you done to yourself this time!”  
  
“I’m sorry, Nurse,” Yunho says politely and sunnily, because his papa taught him to be polite and it was his nature to be smiley and sunny. Well, except when he’s confused, but now that he knows for sure that the other cadet is a human by the name of Shim Changmin, his confusion has mostly dissipated. “I’m afraid it’s my fault. I ran him over with my ship, you see.”  
  
He finds himself wishing that he didn’t say that when all ten of her eyes fix themselves upon him, because he never knows which ones he should keep his gaze on. It’s so hard to maintain eye contact when the other party has so many more eyeballs than you do. “You, Jung Yunho? I hope you didn’t run him over deliberately, because then I’ll have to report you to the headmaster.”  
  
“Oh no no no no,” he hastens to say, quite alarmed. “It was an accident. My flight licence was just approved last circular-orbit and I got myself a new spaceship to celebrate and-” he shuffles his feet, hoping fervently that he looks properly contrite. His father always tells him he smiles too much and it gets him into even more trouble and Yunho is starting to think that there is some truth to those words. “It’s really an accident, I swear.”  
  
The nurse still doesn’t look convinced, so he finds himself blurting out, “If you don’t believe me, I can show it to you by taking care of Changminnie here!”  
  
“Deal,” the nurse says at once, and Yunho beams at her. His smile only dims slightly when he turns around to direct it at the injured boy and finds him gazing back with a look of abject horror.   
  
Yunho swaps rooms with Changmin’s roommate, another alien called Ryeowook that he knows since childhood because their fathers are friends, though they were never close, Ryeowook and he. The nurse says Changmin has a broken leg, a femur break, to be precise, and Yunho is confused for days because he had thought femurs were small furry animals from Earth, where humans originated from, until his friend Heechul smacks the back of his head and shows him a hologram of said furry animals while drawling in disgust, “these are  _lemurs_ , you idiot, how did you even passed the entrance exams to get in here?”  
  
“Ow,” Yunho says, more out of habit than anything else, because Heechul has a Siren for a mother and everyone knew that the best way to irritate a Siren was to show no fear and no pain before them, a trait that made them excellent bounty hunters. “I’m sorry, Heechul?”  
  
“Don’t apologise to me,” Heechul snorts, punching Yunho in his stomach this time. “Go apologise to the fragile human you broke.”  
  
“Okay,” Yunho says, and does just that. Or he tries to, because when he opens the door to their shared room to apologise the human way (the correct words, he remembers vaguely, are “Si’m orry”, at least he thinks they are) when he stops, his purpose for coming back all but forgotten.  
  
Because Changmin is lying on the higher bunk capsule, or to be more precise, Yunho’s bunk capsule, because he had made Changmin take the lower one to put less stress on his leg, and he is naked. Changmin is gloriously naked and he has one hand wrapped around his cock, which, Yunho is interested to note, is about the size of his own even though it doesn’t seem to be elongating or expanding. And Changmin has his head tossed backwards with his neck bared, and he has Yunho’s name falling off his lips and Yunho is just gobsmacked by the entire thing and he must have made a sound, because Changmin’s eyes open, and they stare at each other, one second, two- then, then-  
  
Changmin turns absolutely red and comes all over his hand. Yunho is interested to note that the colour of their ejaculation is the same, too. There is an awkward silence, and the two of them are still staring at each other, and Yunho is thinking about pulling his habitual sunny smile out because he doesn’t know what else to do, and he realises with a jolt that Changmin naked is an absolutely delicious sight, because the long long legs are fully on display, and it’s even better than the adorable angry Changmin with the wide impossibly big eyes that he had met when he ran the other over with his new spaceship.  
  
Then Changmin makes a weird noise like how the school’s spaceships that all upper-years get to practice with sound like whenever there isn’t enough fuel, and he flops back down onto Yunho’s capsule and drags the blanket over him until there’s just the blanket and a pair of very red human feet.  
  
Yunho decides he needs some time to digest this new information and backs out slowly, very slowly, until he is beyond the range of the automatic sensor and the door to their room slides shut with a hiss and a click.  
  
They dance a dance of avoidance about each other for many sun-spins after that, and Yunho tries to get Ryeowook to change rooms with him again, but Ryeowook refuses, saying how he’s not going to “go back inside and let little Shim growl at me because I’m not tall enough nor muscly enough.” Yunho doesn’t quite understand and he presses for Ryeowook to elaborate, but the other just laughs at him and flounces away to play  _Spacey Crush_  with his new roommate Kyuhyun in the common room.   
  
Yunho doesn’t know what to do at all. He’s asked Heechul for advice but all Heechul does is to laugh very hard and kick him in the shin, and when Yunho is doubled over in pain (Heechul has very pointy toes), chortle on about “the mating ritual” Yunho and “that little human Shim” are conducting.  
  
Yunho goes to the intergalactic library to look up ‘mating ritual’ after that, and he’s quite disturbed because yes, Changmin is beautiful and even more so when he’s shouting at Yunho and most so when he’s naked and sighing Yunho’s name. But Yunho doesn’t think he can adapt to Earth’s culture and do this mating ritual thing with him. The library didn’t offer any visual examples of humans performing mating rituals, but there are holograms and more holograms of creatures from earth doing that. Yunho doesn’t think he can wait for Changmin to pee from the eatery at the observation deck all the way back to their room and then follow while sniffing at every bit of the pee trail. He doesn’t think Changmin has quite that much pee to accomplish that too.   
  
So he stays away, and apparently, so does Changmin, because Yunho gets used to coming back to the room with Changmin’s bunk capsule unbearably tidy with only the changing positions of some of the text holograms required for class the one thing in their room that says Changmin is still coming back to it, that he hasn’t switched rooms yet. This goes on for one circular-orbit, and two, and then Yunho comes back one day from flight practice to find Changmin waiting for him, all wide-eyed and furious and absolutely exquisite.  
  
He backs Yunho into the door, and slaps a palm over the manual override to the sensor so that Yunho doesn’t fall back and tumble through. “You,” he snarls, and the hint of teeth and how beautiful he is when angry makes Yunho weak at the knees.  
  
“I’ve had enough,” he hisses, breath puffing against Yunho’s face, and then he leans forward and sort of just takes Yunho’s lips and he presses and presses hard until Yunho opens his mouth with a bewildered gasp and Changmin’s tongue is inside Yunho’s mouth and everything is suddenly all lovely and perfect and sunshiny once more.   
  
He pulls back after a long while, both of them trying to catch their breaths, and Changmin grimaces at the sunny smile spilling all over Yunho’s face. “What,” he snaps. “What?”  
  
“I love you, Changminnie,” Yunho says, all sunny and quite giddy, and it shocks Changmin so much that he goes silent and forgets to be angry. Instead he blinks, eyes no longer narrowed but rounded and wondering. “What- what did you say?”  
  
“IloveyouIloveyou  _I love you_ ,” Yunho says in a rush, grinning so hard that he can barely see from how his eyes are crinkling up. “And even though I think having you pee continuously from the eatery till here is quite gross and I think Heechul will laugh at us and I don’t know if I know how to sniff it right but you’ll teach me won’t you and and and-”  
  
Changmin claps a hand over Yunho’s mouth, his expression back to the one of unadulterated horror, that he wore the first time they met. “Yunho. Stop.  _What_.”  
  
“You don’t love me?” Yunho mumbles, lips pressing against his palm, and Changmin yanks his hand away at the foreign, ticklish sensation. Yunho stares at him, woebegone and with the corner of his lips droopy and not-sunny-like anymore.  
  
“No- I mean- yes- no-” Changmin stammers, and he feels like killing himself when Yunho’s bottom lip actually begins to quiver. “I love you! I love you,” he repeats more softly, as Yunho starts to grin, “It’s just- what did you... why are you taking about pee?? Who told you that?”  
  
“Oh, is it like some top secret ritual thing then?” Yunho tilts his head to one side. “But the library has holograms that talk about it, so I thought...”  
  
“What-” Changmin feels a headache coming on, the same headache that had crept onto him so many circular-orbits ago when the strange smiley alien boy announced randomly that they were to be roommates because he was “very sorry that I broke your furry little animal, I’ll make it up to you, I promise!”  
  
“Okay,” Changmin says slowly, curving a hand about Yunho’s cheek because he wants to - and a thrill runs through him because Yunho loves him,  _Yunho loves Changmin_ \- and he strokes a thumb across the high wing of Yunho’s cheekbone before continuing, “um, about this ritual thing, you said you found information about it in the library?”  
  
Yunho nods, tilting his head to rub his cheek across Changmin’s palm, and his gaze is just the tiniest bit apprehensive. Changmin trails his fingers to the shell of Yunho’s ear, and, “okay. Hmm. uh, show me?”  
  
Yunho brings Changmin to the intergalactic library after that, murmuring constant reassurances about how he isn’t judging Changminnie’s culture, it’s just that he’s a little surprised by it, that’s all, and Changmin doesn’t know whether to cry or to laugh. He spends at least 3 moons explaining it, quite patiently, to Yunho, about how earth had humans as well as animals and plants and other things, and how humans don’t really court each other with their pee, but they use words and maybe acts of physical affection such as kissing. (And this he is quite happy to demonstrate to Yunho, over and over.)  
  
“Ohhh,” Yunho sighs with relief on the fourth moon after their sojourn to the library, “so your courting rituals are similar to ours then. And only lesser humans-” he looks askance at Changmin “no,  _animals_  have mating rituals?”  
  
“Yes,” Changmin says, but he feels obligated to add, “but some humans do like to uh, do the mating ritual and the pee thing but-” he adds hastily when Yunho’s eyes widen again, “-but, uh, there’s not really very many of them? And uh, I don’t have a preference for that, so... yeah, no pee and that kind of stuff for us.”  
  
“Okay,” Yunho worries at his bottom lip, and whatever else Changmin means to say fly out of his mind as he leans forward, almost hypnotized and takes the voluptuous curve between his teeth, licking at the chafe marks where Yunho has bitten into the thin skin.  
  
He finds out a little later that it was Heechul who set his boyfriend - his Yunho- on the stupid path of mating rituals, and he thinks of all those moons when Yunho must have been wrecked with apprehension and uncertainty and how that could have not led to the two of them coming together and how Heechul seems to be overly fond of beating Yunho up and he is just so angry at the thought of it that he is half-tempted to storm over to the floor below, where Heechul is sharing a room with some senior from earth called Jungsu and punch him a good one in the face.   
  
But Yunho hangs onto him and shakes his head, and goes on and on babbling about how he “doesn’t want [his] Changminnie to get hurt, we’re together now, and we love each other, and that’s so perfect and well and grand, you’ve made me so happy, there’s no point in going to beat Heechul up when he’ll beat you up back and I’ll be sad and then I won’t smile and you’ll be sad too.”   
  
Changmin agrees begrudgingly to drop the matter, but he makes a habit to sneer at Heechul whenever they end up in the same flight practice class together, or whenever Heechul slithers over during eating break to throw a casual punch at Yunho’s head.   
  
It’s six circular-orbits into their relationship when Yunho finally finds the courage to confess about his expanding dick, worried that it may bring his glorious romance with Changmin to a messy end just like that pathetic one-moon stand he had so many orbits ago.   
  
Changmin’s reaction is totally different though. He just laughs long and hard, sweet chuckles spilling out of him like liquid magic. And then he pounces, traps Yunho beneath him in their bunk capsule (they’ve packed away Yunho’s bunk capsule because Yunho never sleeps in it anymore) and Yunho tries to sit up, but Changmin does something and Yunho is somehow tied up with Changmin’s blanket with Changmin hovering over him, smiling and panting from exertion and looking all the more delicious for it.   
  
“So your cock expands,” Changmin says more than asks, one hand already down Yunho’s pants, “and it grows? Like super long? On its own?”  
  
“Bluh,” Yunho replies. Changmin laughs again, pulling back to direct his gaze at Yunho’s lap, as the head of Yunho’s cock peeps out from behind the waistband of the uniform slacks all cadets are supposed to wear. He hums in approval. “Oh, you weren’t joking, it really does grow.”  
  
“Plurgh?” Yunho tries, but it ends in a gasp as Changmin fists him and tugs once, twice. “Oh okay, wow. It’s still growing, too. Does it ever stop or does it just keep going? Yunho, stop blubbering like a fish and answer me, I’m asking you a question.”  
  
“Nngh,” Yunho explains, and then he gives up trying to when Changmin takes his hand away and uses his mouth instead. By the end of that moon, when Yunho is too tired to go on, Changmin finds out that yes, Yunho’s expanding cock does stop expanding and elongating after it reaches a certain length and girth, and no, it doesn’t taste any different from human ones (“What human ones?” Yunho demands when he finally gets his breath back, not smiley for once. “Your mouth is mine from now on.  _Mine_!”), although he does have a hard time trying to fit his mouth about Yunho even before all that extending and expanding.  
  
…. And they live happily ever after, in expanding-and-extending-cock induced happiness.   
  


 

* * *

 

 

  
**THE END**.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Two Forward, One Back](https://archiveofourown.org/works/984191) by [whatkindoftea (haeli)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/haeli/pseuds/whatkindoftea)




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